Espada Diaries
by Potterwatcher1997
Summary: Much to the Espada's dismay, Aizen forces all ten of his strongest Arrancar to write in a diary for a month! WARNING: This fanfic contains multiple examples of annoyance, craziness, and Espada RAGE!  Back from Hiatus! WOOO!
1. Introduction

Gin Ichimaru poked his head into the Espada's lounge. "Yo! Espadas! Aizen wants you in the meeting room."

"Uhg…but I just sat down!" Yammy moaned.

"I'm trying to sleep…" Starrk grumbled.

"C'mon, man, I'm trying to read _Us Weekly_!" Grimmjow yelled. The Espada stopped dead and turned around to face the Sexta Espada.

"Grimmjow, WHAT THE HECK IS WRONG WITH YOU?" Nnoitra yelled.

"What's the big deal? This magazine is _in, _dude."

"That's a trashy _gossip magazine _for _human women _who have nothing better to do than read about overrated Celebrity's affairs," Szayel supplied.

Grimmjow crossed his arms and pouted. "Well, personally, I find Brad and Angie's love affair to be quite interesting. I mean, did you hear? He cheated on her _with the Nanny!"_

"Just shut up…" Harribel groaned.

"Hey! Buttheads!" Gin yelled. That got everyone's attention. "In case you didn't notice, you're supposed to be in the meeting room in two minutes, and Aizen says he's dumping scorching hot tea on everyone who's late!"

"CRAP!"

*Two action-packed minutes later*

"Hey Aizen, sorry I was late…"

"I tripped and broke my elbow."

"I was almost suffocated by Tesla."

"I, er, didn't get the memo…"

"I was attacked by…flying monkeys."

Aizen raised an eyebrow. "Flying monkeys, eh?"

"Yeah, flying monkeys," Aaroniero said.

"Uh-huh, we were all ambushed," Grimmjow agreed, joining in. The rest of the Espada (except Ulquiorra, who was raising an eyebrow) murmured in agreement.

Aizen scratched his forehead. "Hmmm…flying monkeys…."

"Yup!" Szayel said, flashing a smile and a thumbs up. Aizen facepalmed himself.

"And just _why _are all of my Espada oh-so-clearly lying to me about being late?" He asked, massaging his temples.

"Well…er…" Zommari began.

"Ichimaru claimed that you were going to throw steaming tea in their faces unless they were on time," Ulquiorra blurted casually.

"And I trust you didn't believe it?"

"Not at all, Aizen-sama," Ulquiorra said smugly. The others, however, were outraged.

"WHAT?"

"You mean it was a _joke?" _

"I'm gonna kill that squinty-eyed git…"

Aizen laughed. "Calm down, Grimmjow and Nnoitra. We have business to discuss." He gestured to the long table inside the meeting room, and the Espadas took their seats.

'Now," Aizen began, "I trust you are all familiar with the term 'diary'?"

"Yeah, it's what happens when you eat too many Chocolate-Whipped-Cream Pancakes at iHop!" Yammy said, fondly remembering the said occasion.

"Er, no, Yammy, that's _diarrhea…" _Aizen muttered.

"_Clueless!" _Grimmjow fake-coughed.

"A diary is a book that humans use to write down their thoughts and feelings for the day in," Aizen continued.

"Yeah, yeah, Aizen-sama, we all know what it is—except Yammy, that is," Nnoitra said, shooting a glare at the tenth Espada. "But what does this have to do with us anyway? We ain't gonna steal those Shinigami's diaries, are we?"

Szayel laughed maniacally. "OOH, juicy secrets!" He yelled, clapping his hands together while Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, and Nnoitra looked at him suspiciously.

"No, no, no…you see, I want all of you to keep a diary. It's your assignment for the month," Aizen explained.

"What was that?" Aaroniero asked, cleaning out his ear.

"You want us to keep Yammy from having diarrhea all month?" Zommari asked, dumbfounded.

"No, I want _you _to keep a diary for the month," Aizen repeated. The Espadas gaped at him.

"No _effing _way!" Grimmjow said.

"Yes, Grimmjow, I want you to write in a diary," Aizen said. Grimmjow laughed maliciously and Aizen added, "And you _have _to write in it."

"Awwww…."

"So much for loopholes…"

"At the end of the month, I'll collect your diaries and read them," Aizen said. "So, without further ado…let's get started on our diaries!"

"Oh, JOY!" Szayel said, skipping out of the room. "I can't wait!"

"And he called _me _weird for reading _Us Weekly_…" Grimmjow muttered.

And with that, the Espadas departed for their long, boring, and dramatic diary project.

Author's Note

AW YEAH. Potter is officially back from her Hiatus :} I'd like to apologize once again for leaving for so long, I was totally lazy, blah, blah blah. Anyway, I'm back, and all of my stories are about to resume (YESH) and this one's starting up, too.

About this one: I came up with it when I was totally bored, and I hope it goes well. I'm planning on dedicating a chapter to each Espada for their diary, as well as a conclusion chapter. Heck, I may even throw in a chapter or two about Aizen's personal diary. Either way, this is just the introduction, so...make sure to tell me what you thought of it :}

Later,

-The totally lazy yet awesome Potterwatcher1997


	2. Starrk's Log of Troubled Times

Starrk sat up straight as a loud ringing noise filled his ears. Momentarily stunned, he felt around for the source of the noise, finally laying his hands on a small alarm clock (most likely set by Lilinette) and silenced it with a cero. Since he was already awake, Starrk figured he'd better get a start on "That blasted diary project," as Barragan called it.

* * *

><p>Dear Diary,<p>

Okay, I've really got no idea what I'm supposed to do in this…I'm trying to think…you know what? This is confusing. I'm going back to bed.

March 3, 2011

* * *

><p>Dear Diary,<p>

Lilinette filled me in on some things I need to do when writing in here, like putting a date and signing my name, for instance. She also told me that the purpose of a diary is to write down all of the reasons why you hate Aizen. I'm not sure why Aizen would want us to do this, but whatever.

I hate Aizen because he talks too much. Can't a guy like me just get some sleep without having to go to one of his "tea parties"?

Oh, and speaking of that, those tea parties are SO stupid! It's like he's _obsessed _with tea! I bet he even sleeps with a packet in his nightgown (which is decorated with butterflies, more than likely).

He uses all the hair gel. I'm serious when I say that he once snuck into my room and stole my bottle of Axe. I mean, yeah, I understand; hair gel is one of the essential elements of life. But if you run out of hair gel, buy yourself some, don't go stealing it. Because of him, I had to spend the whole day looking like I was from Bon Jovi.

And yeah, that's pretty much all for now…Later.

-Starrk

* * *

><p>March 7, 2011<p>

Dear Diary,

…

! Curse that Lilinette! She lied to me about the whole 'Reasons why you hate Aizen' thing! What should I do? Oh, I know—I'll just erase it. NOOOOOOO! I wrote in pen! What am I going to do? I'm dead, dead, DEAD! You know what? I think I'll take a nap. Yeah, that's a good idea…

-Starrk

* * *

><p>March 10, 2011<p>

Dear Diary,

Hey, it's Lilinette! I'm so glad that my latest prank on Starrk worked so well. He was so nervous yesterday that he couldn't even lie down! Can you _believe _that?

Anyway, right now I'm working on this human thing called a shock collar. I'll put it on Starrk, and every time he falls asleep, it'll shock him! Hee-hee, this is gonna be great!

Catch you later,

Lilinette

* * *

><p>March 13, 2011<p>

Dear Diary,

I'm in real trouble now. While I was sleeping, Lilinette managed to put this "shock collar" thing on me. And now, every time I fall asleep, I get—AAAHHHHHHGGHH! Ow. Yeah, sometimes Lilinette shocks me just for fun….I really don't know what to do, but at least I've torn out that page that had all of those things that I hate about—umm, I tore out that page that was a little harsh, I should say, so that's one problem solved.

Bye for now,

Starrk

**What will Starrk do with this new shock collar on? Will Aizen discover his secret journal entry? How will Starrk worm his way out of trouble this time? **Find later in...**ESPADA DIARIES. ***dun dun dun*

Author's Note

Sorry it took so long to update, and sorry for it being so short XD I'm planning on doing TWO chapters for each diary, but that doesn't necessarily mean that Starrk's part two will be next. Hope you enjoyed it! Comment or Lilinette will eat your **_SOUL._**

Later,

-Potter :D  
><strong><em><em>**


	3. Barragan's Novel of How Awesome He Is

Instead of doing the Diary project that Aizen had requested, Barragan Luisenbarn decided to make a book of how awesome he was. Barragan figured Aizen wouldn't mind; he _was _the former King of Hueco Mundo, after all, and technically, he was writing something _better _than a diary; an autobiography. So, shaking his head in content, Barragan called over Ggio Vega and had him write out the following:

**-Section One: Why Barragan is so Awesome—**

I, Barragan Luisenbarn, Lord of Hueco Mundo, am awesome. I'm so awesome that when I pick my nose, my finger radiates enough awesomeness to kill Chuck Norris and Haruhi Suzumiya at the same time. Now, I haven't always been this close to godliness—after much training and hardcore battling, my epicness level was at last raised from "Awesome" to "Awesomesauce," but let me tell you, it wasn't easy at all. Now, to start of this biography of Barragan (myself) I shall list reasons why he is so awesome. And to keep the tone professional, I shall refer to him in third person, even though I am, without doubt, the Beastly Lord that is Barragan.

Number One: Lord Barragan is awesome because he's awesome. Awesomeness flows off of him like greasiness flows off of Severus Snape's head. That's how awesome he is.

Number Two: Lord Barragan is awesome because he is the ruler of Hueco Mundo. And even though Aizen may pretend to be in charge of these fine lands as of now, they will always belong to Barragan at heart. And mark my words, he will rise to power again, be sure of it! Muahaha! MUAHAHAH—Er, sorry about that. I guess the 'Evil Overlord' part of me went slightly over board.

Number Three: Lord Barragan is awesome because if anyone speaks ill of him, he can have their head cut off, shoved on a stick, and displayed in the yard of the nearest McDonald's. Bam. TAKE THAT, HATAZ.

(This concludes our list of 'Reasons Why Barragan is So Awesome,' even though there are much, much more we can name.)

**-Section Two: How to Become an Evil Overlord!—**

Are you Josef Stalin's biggest fan? Do you idolize Emperor Hirohito? Do you want to become a future Napoleon Bonaparte? Then maybe Dictatorship is the path for you! In this section, His Awesome-Beast-Sexy-Totally-Amazing-Better-Than-Chuck-Norris Majesty Lord Barragan will run you through the five ways that YOU can become a World-Domination Strategist!

Number One: Find a land of unicorns, declare war, and take over afterwards!

Number Two: Establish a Communist Colony on the Island of Micronesia!

Number Three: Grab a few buddies and a couple of sticks and defeat Rhode Island!

Number Four: Buy a Treehouse and declare it to be the nation of (Your name here)-Land!

Number Five: Forget your dreams and become a loyal servant to Lord Barragan ( CHOOSE THIS ONE)

Note from the Author: Lord Barragan says, "Think you're going to become a Dictator of your own Kingdom? HA! Keep dreaming, fools!"

**-Ways to Get Killed by Lord Barragan—**

Lord Barragan is a very compassionate and forgiving ruler, but there are still a few things you can do to get your head on display at Mickey D's. Here's what NOT to do around Lord Barragan!

-Misspell his name as 'Lard Barfagan'.

-Insult his awesomeness.

-Forget to acknowledge his awesomeness.

-Mention the names Yoda, Barney, or Elmo in his presence.

-Tell him he looks like Gandalf .

-Mistake him for Dumbledore.

-Forget to shower him with overflowing (heterosexual) love when in his presence.

-Forget his Birthday.

-Forget to acknowledge the official holidays "Lord Barragan Day" "Lord Barragan's Awesomeness Appreciation Day" and "Evil Dictators Day".

-Say, "Whazzap mah homie?" to his face.

-Say that the individuals Chuck Norris, Terry Tate, Jack Bauer, Lelouch Lamperouge, Light Yagami, or Haruhi Suzumiya are equal to Lord Barragan in terms of awesomeness.

Well folks, that's all the "NOT to-do's" we can fit on this page. To see the full list, check out Lord Barragan's other novel, "The Rules of Being a Citizen under Lord Barragan".

* * *

><p>With that, Ggio Vega dropped his pen and asked, "May I stop, sir? I've written three chapters already."<p>

"I suppose so," Barragan said. "But bring me a latte. It's hard to put into words how awesome I am, you know?"

Walking off, Ggio Vega muttered, "Yeah, and It's hard putting up with such a self confident prat too."

Author's Note

I've really got nothing to say...but yeah, I think this one is MUCH better than Starrk's. It's longer too :D

Umm...yeah, that's all.

-PoTtEr WuZ hErE-


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